Nonviolent Communication: How "No" can be the start of a dialogue (video)
Support A1+!Interview with Cinta Depondt
Initiated by the Public Journalism Club (PJC)
Conducted by Karine Asatryan, Editor-in-Chief of A1+
How can we speak in a way that communication does not turn into a struggle, a competition of “self-justification,” or a chain of mutual insults?
In a conversation with Sinta Depondt, internationally certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication, NVC is explored as a needs-based approach that makes life “more beautiful”, one that can be applied in the family, the workplace, and public debate, and, in post-war societies, also in the processes of healing wounds and rebuilding trust.
Sinta Depondt recalls Marshall Rosenberg’s definition: “Nonviolent communication is any form of communication that makes life more wonderful”. At the heart of this philosophy lies a single idea, we are whole human beings, with emotions, needs, and boundaries, and communication can be the space where these are not suppressed, but recognized and taken into account, both our own and those of others.
When saying “Yes” can become an act of violence toward oneself
A simple example is offered in the conversation: a person is hungry but agrees to talk just to avoid upsetting the other. At first glance this may seem polite, yet in reality it can become self-violence. The person ignores their own need, and the quality of communication ultimately suffers: attention wanes, irritability increases, and the result is poor. NVC proposes a different approach: one can say “yes” while also naming one’s condition. “I’m willing to talk, but I’m hungry right now; I’ll come back in a few minutes”. In this way, communication becomes mutual care without sacrificing personal boundaries.
Why needs, not notions of “right and wrong” are the foundation of NVC
Sinta Depondt emphasizes that the deep drivers of our actions are needs. We do what we do because we are trying to meet some need, security, recognition, belonging, rest, freedom, respect, and so on. She distinguishes needs from strategies: needs are universal, while strategies are many. This perspective shifts the question from “Who is to blame?” to “What need is present here, and which solution could meet everyone’s needs?”
Communicating with children: the giraffe and the jackal
When communicating with children, it is important to use less abstract language through games, questions, and simple examples. Here, Rosenberg’s symbols of the jackal and the giraffe are helpful:
- The jackal represents our sharp, aggressive reaction, when we want to shout, insult, or “fight.”
- The giraffe represents the language of compassion, an attempt to guess feelings and needs. It may not always guess correctly, but the attempt itself matters because it opens the door to understanding.
A painful observation is also shared: when children are born, they communicate their feelings and needs clearly and directly. For example, by crying when their needs are unmet. Yet as they grow up, they are often taught patterns of violent communication, such as “boys don’t cry.” Over time, they drift away from the ability to listen to their own feelings and needs.
The four core steps of NVC, simple, but not easy
Sinta Depondt summarizes the basic structure of NVC:
- Observation – what happened, without judgment
- Feeling – what I feel
- Need – which need stands behind it
- Request – what concrete action I am asking for my well-being
One key principle is that a “yes” should be wholehearted. And in NVC, a “no” is not a closed door, it can become an invitation to explore together what other option might meet both parties’ needs.
“No” as a tool for maintaining the quality of work
An example from the workplace is also discussed. A manager says, “I want this task done now.” In NVC language, a “no” can be grounded in observation and concern for quality: “Yesterday you assigned two tasks; one is half done and I haven’t started the other. I can’t do three at once without the quality suffering.” This is not rebellion, but an attempt to protect boundaries and prevent harm to the work.
Post-war wounds and dialogue within ourselves and between sides
One of the central insights of the conversation is that healing post-conflict and post-war wounds happens as much within societies as between them. Even in small settings, when people feel they are not judged or compared and are allowed to speak, they can open up and share. According to Sinta Depondt, this is sometimes more important than gathering around a “big table,” especially in contexts where people carry psychological barriers, fears, or post-Soviet cultural habits of “showing only the good.”
Facing hate speech and stress: starting with ourselves
From the NVC perspective, when encountering hate speech, the first step is to observe what is happening inside the body, to breathe, then to offer empathy to oneself, regain strength, and only then respond. The goal is not quick suppression or punishment, but remaining the author of one’s actions avoiding reactive behavior.
NVC is not “soft”, it also acknowledges power imbalances
The conversation stresses that NVC requires accepting reality as it is, including power dynamics. This is not about an “ideal” world. Even under unequal conditions, it is still possible to speak by naming needs and to try not to abandon humanity both in speech and in the willingness to listen.
Anyone can begin practicing NVC
The spread of NVC does not have to start “from the top.” It can begin with a parent, a school, a community, or simply one person who tries to listen and speak differently. As noted in the conversation, speaking is not always necessary, sometimes it is enough to listen and understand the other’s needs. An important distinction is also made between violent and nonviolent silence: if one is silent out of fear of ridicule, that is violent silence; if one is silent consciously in order to listen and avoid harm, that can be nonviolent silence.
The interview was conducted within the framework of the “Professional Media, Practitioners and Grassroots Joining Forces for Dialogue” project, implemented by the Public Journalism Club with the support from the European Commission. The project partner is International Alert.
